I started suffering from schizotypal symptoms in 2011 after being traumatized by a man who was in authority over me. I didn’t realize that trauma could form such a lasting and hidden wound as delusions, which hide their medical reality from the sufferer and seem like life is something that it is not. That you’re in danger when you no longer are. I don’t want to trigger anyone else’s illness, so suffice it to say that my life was like being in a boat in shallow and muddy water, and the more I tried to paddle out in to the sea of life the more entrenched my fruitless and terrifying delusions became.
It wasn’t until 2014 that I learned that I had developed a mental illness, because I had lost insight. I wrote about this whole process in my book, Emergent Grace. It wasn’t until 2015 I learned what delusions were and that these can happen to a person, and in 2016 there was a psychiatrist brave enough to tell me that I had schizoaffective disorder. Now it is in remission, and I stay healthy doing what I can, doing my best every day.
I had never realized how debilitating and multi-year mental illness could be. If you’re somewhere in this process, please don’t give up. You are a full and living being worthy of love and, actually, already loved by God. I read somewhere that when we experience paranoia, our impression that God loves us is dimmed. Know this: his actual love for you is complete, that you are complete, and that you are loved by God.
Reading about schizophrenia is empowering for me. 10 years later I’m finally doing it. But it has to be the right books by the right people, with the right tone, and with hope. I’ll share my readings in the days ahead. Be well.